Recently, the International Institute of Real Doctors released a warning to EMS providers worldwide regarding Festering Ambulitis (FA), an illness reaching epidemic proportions among ambulance crews worldwide. We here at Med in Kansas Enterprises (MiKE) would like to provide the following information not in the hope of curing an incurable disease, but in the hope that all of you out there will at least have something to blame your crankiness on, thus absolving you of guilt for your inevitable antisocial behavior.
FA is a disorder of insidious onset first identified sometime in the mid 1970's. It is primarily confined to the ranks of EMS providers, although some isolated cases have been identified in ER staff populations. The general public so far appears immune to FA, even though a random sampling of the people at the gas station this morning indicates that virtually all of them are carriers. The reason for this immunity is unknown, but appears to be related to some sort of naturally occuring stupidity barrier at the blood/brain interface.
Transmission of FA remains a mystery. It appears to only be transmissible following repeated exposure to carriers. There is a theory that this may be the world's only psychically transmitted disease, based primarily on ancedotal evidence of some victims becoming symptomatic when finding themselves within a 50 meter radius of an identified carrier. No effective personal protective equipment has been identified so far. It appears that carriers are no longer contagious after death.
The exact pathogen responsible for FA has not been identified. Ongoing research has indicated that it appears to be related to the organism responsible for various other disorders including, but not limited to, the following: Acute Handcuff Induced Incarceritis, Hysterical Female Syndrome, Shift Change Delirium, Hypoxanaxemia, Haldol Deficiency, Alcohol Related Assholia, Dontwanna Syndrome, and Terminal Stupidity. There are others.
The incubation period of FA appears to be remarkably short, often to the point that onset of symptoms is nearly instantaneous following exposure. More virulent strains of FA have been known to become symptomatic as much as 12 hours prior to exposure, although this is most common in long time FA sufferers.
Symptoms vary widely from victim to victim, and may resolve then reappear seemingly at random. some of the more common symptoms include short temper, indigestion, cynicism, bleak outlook, inappropriate humor, brain/mouth filter dysfunction, inability to distinguish between "inside" and "outside" the head voices, profanity, compulsive caffeine ingestion, and a tendency to eat rapidly at mealtimes. Some of the more UNcommon symptoms can include exuding an aroma of stale coffee at all times, immunity to bad coffee, cold food tolerance, and a tendency to drive every vehicle as if it were stolen, while still slowing or stopping at every intersection, regardless of traffic control devices. Additionally, in a significant number of cases, blackening of the soul may be observed.
Treatment remains an iffy prospect at best. FA does not appear to significantly impede normal function in most sufferers. Remarkably, the bulk of FA patients actually appear to ENJOY the effects of the disease. Some researchers have speculated that this is due to FA physically damaging or destroying brain cells over time. These researchers are in the minority, as most that have studied FA classify this finding as a disease induced psychosis. Symptoms can be managed relatively easily through administration of sleep, caffeine, alcohol, and/or nicotine in some patients. Exceptionally large doses of any of the treatments, often administered simultaneously, appear to be the most effective. Once again, the patients do seem to enjoy the therapies.
We hope this has been educational and informative for those that read it. Remain vigilant, and be aware that Festering Ambulitis can strike at any time. Thank you and good night.
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