Bystander Training

OK, OK, it's been nearly a month. I haven't had any good ideas, so I haven't posted. Deal with it.

As I write this, it's the first day of EMS Week 2012. All across the nation, responders are receiving an array of poorly manufactured consumer goods with this year's lame-ass slogan on it. This year, the theme is "More than a job. A calling." Generally, I agree with that, but if you really want to give me something nice for EMS Week, STOP calling. Just for a few days. I have enough hats, t-shirts, penlights, and other garishly colored trinkets. Give me a break. I need it more.

Other places, and my agency has done this in the past, use EMS Week as an opportunity to increase public awareness and for public education. As much as I dislike trinkets, I hate meaningless public education events even more. Puh-leeze, no more tours of preschools at the station. No four year old has ever gotten anything out of a station tour. They just want to see the fire trucks, hear a siren, andget back to school in time for snack. So do I, come to think of it. However, if you insist on doing the public education thing, I have some suggestions for presentations with a greater potential benefit to all involved than the typical "Meet the Medic" show:

1. "Ambulance or Taxi?" A discussion of what constitutes a genuine emergency and what is something better dealt with by your own primary care physician.

2. "So You Think You Can Tuna Dance?" You aren't fooling anybody with your fake seizure, so stop it. We all know what's real, and what's not. All you're doing is embarrassing yourself and entertaining us.

3. "Pain of 15 is NOT on The 1-10 Scale." I specified 1 to 10 for a reason. If you are with it enough to tell me your pain is a 15, you are obviously tolerating your pain well enough to wait until you get to the ER, and they can get you some Tylenol. You aren't getting the good stuff and the accompanying paperwork from me. Plus, I can easily tell by your vital signs if you're actually in pain or not, so I always know when you're BS'ing me.

4. "How To Count Your Drinks." Two beers? Right. That explains the case of empty cans in the back seat.

5. "There Are Lots Of Pink Pills." Seriously. Make a list. Not only does it prevent you looking like an idiot when we show up, if you are ever unable to give us your medical history, we can usually figure out the high points from the meds you take. so make a list, and keep it somewhere it's easily found.

6. "Going To The ER Means You're Still Under Arrest." Really, it does. Except going to the ER means hours longer in handcuffs AND bills from EMS and the hospital, so think about it before you play that card, K?

7. "Get The F#$% Out Of The Way!" And I don't just mean when you're driving. If you see us rushing into Wal Mart with all our equipment, don't follow us around. We're trying to work, and need a little space to do our job. If you insist on crowding around us, please have the courtesy to shower and brush your teeth before doing so.

8. "Never Do Anything You're Too Embarrassed To Explain To The Paramedics." It's amazing (Or at least it used to be.) to me how often this happens. Those of us in EMS are shocked by verry little, so you might as well give us the whole explanation about how THAT got stuck THERE. But by all means, feel free to leave out the details about the weasel. Some things really are better left unsaid.

9. "Drunks Are Fun." If we get called to see you, and determine that you don't have any particular medical issues at the moment, we will almost always take the opportunity to play with you for a while. It's fun to watch you try to make your brain work.

10. "No Exceptions." No matter who you are, where you are, how much money you have, or what the problem is, if you call us, we will come running. Every time. Even though most of us are volunteers working for no pay, even though those of us that are paid don't make a lot of money, even though we've been up all night, even if it's the middle of the storm of the century, WE WILL BE THERE. Hmm... maybe it really IS a calling.

Happy EMS Week to all my fellow responders. Stay safe out there!